In These Economic Times, We Don't Need More Made-up Words: A Stimulus Package for Tweens

My friend, Brittany, and I talk too much. I don't mean we talk too much in general, although some people would argue differently. We talk too much to each other. If we plan to meet somewhere for conversation and a cocktail, we talk on the phone from point A to point B until we see each other, wave, say good bye and then greet each other anew. Last night, I felt like I'd missed an entire lifetime because I hadn't yet heard about her regular dental checkup (no cavities, but the wisdom teeth are coming out.) She leaves work at 4:30, and if I don't get a call by 4:34, a sense of unease sets in. The suspense of how many times she blinked and what she ordered for lunch is palpable. If she decides to head over to my place after work, she says, "take a shower and put on some clothes, I'm coming over." "Wait, how do you know I haven't showered?" I might ask. Silence. If I had showered, I would certainly have notified her of the event.

Lately, we've had an ongoing conversation about altered words people use when the original would generally suffice. For example, ridonkulous, which I just learned is actually spelled redonkulous. This irks me even more. I don't know where the donk came from or why it might imply that a thing is even more absurd than if merely dic, but I am ready to establish a petition to outlaw it even at the expense of freedom of speech, a right for which my regard is as high as, say, freedom to breathe. If you say redonkulous, be warned that I will make the following assumptions about you: 

1. You drink too much beer.

2. Not only do you drink too much beer, when you drink you still laugh at the Budweiser frogs and imitate them until something even better comes along (see below) 

3. You raised hell when news broke that Creed got back together because their tour is going to be "off the chain."

4.  After you receive a call on your Sidekick, the first question you ask your bro is, "where you at?" This is followed by ignoring the caller to engage the people you're entertaining with another round of, "Bud...Weis...Er" in order to exhibit how much fun you are having at the location where you are currently at.

5. No matter where you are, there are always “so many hot girls there, it's redonkulous”, even if it's just your roommate's girlfriend and her cousin from a place so remote that it can only be identified by county.

Next, Brittany and I discussed the use of "sexpert." This is slightly less annoying than redonkulous and has a different set of connotations. I realize that if one needs to refer to Dr. Drew, Dr. Ruth, or Susie Bright, it is cumbersome to say, "sex expert." The tongue is a lazy muscle that has priorities higher than speech, and sexologist sounds too much like someone went to college for a redonkulous amount of time. Sexpert is used so that people like Anderson Cooper (I'msorryIloveyou) and Larry King can feel hip. "Next on our show, we will be taking phone calls live with sexpert and former porn star, Annie Sprinkle!"

 Poof! Larry doesn't have a combover anymore.

The next one--and I blame Brody Jenner for this, although I think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are its founding fathers--is bromance. Bromance is what occurs when heterosexual men who require a generous amount of product to maintain the vertical direction of their hair, share a camaraderie formerly known as friendship. If we were dudes, Brittany and I would be engaging in bromance. Instead, we're friends who don't need to defend our love with the use of slang that says, "we might bump chests and high five a lot, but we're not gay, we swear." 

This list could go on, but there are so many words underscored in red that this document is beginning to look like a crime scene, as if I murdered both Merriam and Webster. 

I try to be a tolerant friend. If you ate too much garlic and you want to talk closely to me, that's ok. We're cool. I got an app for that. If those jeans make you look like someone tattooed pockets on your ass, I'll be a pal and tell you that they must've shrunk in the wash. Just don't ask me to go so far as to say you look bootylicious. (Frighteningly, bootylicious is left unmarked by spell check. I'm starting to buy this 2012 stuff.) Should you have trouble discerning when to use lie or lay, I won’t correct you. I still don’t know which one it is I am doing under the sun in my tankini. 

Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's me. I just recall simpler times, when my only problems were yadda, yadda, yadda. If I am so uptight that I would consider unfriending someone over words that are unnecessary and not clever enough to delight me, then perhaps I need to loosen my tie a little, get with it, and chillax. 

Comments

[Mish]

Come on...get jiggy wit it.

[Laurie]

I think "redonkulous" is a cuteoverload.com thing. It is acceptable there and nowhere else. Anyone who says "sexpert" should be thrown off the planet.

[Colin]

Isn't the creativity of the English language amazing?

[Red Zebra]

I'll sign your petition!
Formal additions to the English vocabulary should be decided upon only by a small coterie of cognoscenti, ie: me. Oh, and anyone else who appreciates the lexical genius of the Rev. Charles Dodgson. Natch. ;-)